Conflict Points

by Tree Bressen

Definition of conflict: 2 or more people having different viewpoints, and at least one of those people is having emotional distress about it.

Despair about resolution keeps people from trying. We lack these skills as a culture. But actually conflict is natural, not a bad sign. It shows that people are invested. And diversity is a strength.

With some skill-building, you and the people you work with really can get better at this.

Motivation: carrying around tension from unresolved conflicts is uncomfortable both for the person(s) doing it and for others who it impacts. After you work it out you will feel happier!

It's more effective to observe and analyze what is happening before assuming we know the right thing to do. Create the response to fit the situation.

Is the conflict structural? For example, voting sets up winners and losers.
Process? For example, if not everyone can tell when the proposal is still under discussion and when a decision has already been made.
Interpersonal? For example, two people may have a bad history that doesn't actually relate to the issues that are up in the meeting.
Archetypal? Are people enacting roles in the group, such as "protector" or "scapegoat"?

Remember, the person being reflected is the expert on their own story; it's up to them to say whether or not they think you got it.

1. Observations—what's happening?
2. Feelings—how do you feel about it?
3. Request—what do you want to do about it?
4. Agreements—what can we agree on?

Reflect back at each step.